When I Didn't Even Know to Ask For It.....

God knew what I would need, and want.

My Grandma Fisher moved in with our family around the time that I was in the 3rd grade. I have never met anyone quite like her and I am certain that I never will. She showed up at our door step with all of her possessions and said, "I'm moving in." (That's what my mom told me after I was an adult.) I had no idea until after college this is how it came about.

God knew what I would need and want when I didn't even know to ask for it. He knew that I wished for a woman's touch in the morning as I was getting ready for school. Someone who would love to cook my breakfast and hurry me along as I doddled the morning away.

My mom is a registered nurse and she is fantastic by the way. But, her shift started early in the morning. I had envied other kids having their mom's who actually cooked hot breakfast and sent them off to school. Dad just wasn't the same. So, God sent Grandma.

Anyway, she was a short, fiesty, hard working, no nonsense, hilarious Italian woman who became like another parent to me. I was so happy when she came to stay at our house. She spoiled me rotten my whole life. Buying me too much stuff. Making meals just the way I liked them. Putting up with entirely too much "back talk". Ironing my clothes to perfection when I was a teenager. I still can't iron very well at least not compared to her. Grandma would have given me the shirt off her back if I had needed it. Grandma loved me. And, I loved her.

She stayed with our family until my dad passed away eleven years ago (can that really be, eleven years?). And then, moved out just the way she had come, no discussion. She just packed and left.

At first I was angry and hurt. Over time I think I understood though. It was too much for her to be in the house where she and Dad had been day after day for a little over the previous decade. It was too much for a mother to lose her son. She used to tell me, "no mother should have to bury her child at any age."

Four years ago she was diagnosed with throat and lung cancer. (Yes, she had been a smoker). You can believe she deserved it if you like. I hope I don't get everything I deserve. And, I know the courage she had to muster together on the mornings she was to go to chemo and radiation and it still brings tears to my eyes. I hated to see the woman who had cared for me so faithfully go through the pain of cancer. I prayed for her every day during those days. And, I rejoiced when the treatments were over and the cancer withdrew.

This past March Grandma was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. She told me several times that once you have cancer you always have cancer. She knew it would return. In fact, I don't think she believed it ever really left.

Cancer the second time around doesn't offer as much hope as the first time. We all knew that. The doctor confirmed our fears. He said she would have between two and six months to live. And, he was right. She passed away at the end of June.

My mom and her husband, Ron, came out for a visit in April. We had the visit planned for many months before we knew Grandma was sick. I was able to make the trip back to Pennsylvania along with my two youngest kids not yet in school. I was away from Alex, Ada, and Joe for all of May and the first week of June. It was emotional. And, it was so meaningful. I am so grateful to God that I was able to have that time with her. We laughed and even cried (once). Grandma never liked to say the sappy stuff. So, I did. I told I loved her and I cried. And as I cried Grandma said, "YOU STOP THAT!!!!!" But, I couldn't. I had to tell her how much I was going to miss her.

And, I do miss her. I called her every day since we came home from Sudan. I knew I wouldn't have her forever. She took such good care of me. I think of calling her most mornings now. It is like old hat. It's sad and it's o.k. God gave me closure with her when I didn't even know to ask for it.

Not the blog I had been planning

Published on myspace on Sat., Oct. 6, 2007

About 3 weeks ago I found out that I was expecting our 5th baby. Alex wrote a really cute poem we were going to use to announce our happy news. I had planned to use it in my blog entitled 1,2,3,4,5. And, I had planned to add a pregnancy ticker to my page as soon as we told our family. I was very early, only 6 weeks into the pregnancy and feeling great. But, last Friday I started the miscarriage process. I have felt a little fragile this whole week. And, it has been difficult going through this situation with very few people knowing this was happening. I debated about whether to blog about this but I think it will help me to mend. And, I believe it is good to not only share the ups of your life with others. Because we all have our downs. There can be a false sense that everyone is ok and everything is fine all the time for everyone but me. This deception leads to isolation. We all need each other. I love sharing and I think not sharing has been part of the empty feeling looming over my head. I really am doing ok but this has been a disappointment and a loss although it was still a brand new dream. God really has been my rock. I am able to hold on to the fact that He is in control of this whole thing. He was not surprised and He is with me.
My dad passed away 10 years ago. I have always wanted to introduce him to my kids. He loved holding baby fingers. You know how babies will use their whole tiny hand to squeeze a finger if you hold it out to them. So maybe, he is holding our little one. Who knows?
Before this happened perhaps I was not as sympathetic to others who had miscarried. I had no idea what it was like. And, maybe God wanted me to be more tender to the feelings of others. I hope He will use this for His glory. My heart goes out to others who have miscarried, had a still born child, lost an older child, had an abortion, or have never been able to conceive. I know this early miscarriage is a momentary light affliction and it really is light compared to losses others have suffered.
To close I wanted to share the poem Alex wrote just b/c I loved it and wanted you to read it:
Number 1 was so much fun
We thought we'd have another.
Number 2 came right on cue
And Ada had a brother.
Number 3 came fancy free
But Joseph started praying
Number 4 'bout set the score
With Sam and Elie playing.
Number 5 will soon arrive
With spring, in May we're guessing.
Wanted you to know the news.
We're thankful for His blessing.