Home Sweet Home

This week I have been thinking about my perspective on my house. And, I think I had a realization and I wish I would've had it a long time ago. Well, it is one of those things that I think in my head I knew but not in my heart. And, it is dropping to my heart I think. So, drum roll....here it is.....My house is not my life! My life is lived in this house. Some days I think I have too much wrapped up in my house. If things are tidy and organized I feel like a "good mom and a good wife" and in that moment I am ready to be hospitable. If things are a mess I feel anxious, inferior, I wonder what is "wrong" with me, the thought of an unannounced visit makes me cower. Oh, YUCK!

Paul wrote something about what food people would eat. He said the food for the body and not the body for food. I think we could insert many other things in place of the word food there. Like the house for the family not the family for the house.

Too many days I have been driven by a never ending to do list. Now, I am not saying that I should give myself permission to live in a pig sty here. But, I think I need a heart change in the way I go about housework. And, I really need a heart change in the way I view family, guests, my home, where I get my value as a person, and the fear of what others think of me. Hope this is making sense.

I want my laundry done so that we will be warm and clothed and free to live life. But, having all my laundry done does not give me the golden star award. I am not more or less valuable when my laundry is folded and in the drawers. The status of laundry in my house is not all there is to Beth Brodine. Lord Jesus, free me from the lies I believe and give me a heart to serve my family with joy.

The Lord Never Gets Tired

Today towards the end of my group exercise class at the Y, I was getting tired. Out of the blue it occurred to me that feeling tired is a good gift. It forces me stop and rest (hopefully). It reminds me that I am not God.

Isaiah 40:31, "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

Please Change My Knee Jerk Reaction

Sad to say, but something I learned about myself while living in Sudan was when the going got tough I would blame God. The electricity would cut and I would think, "why didn't you stop this. I'm your missionary. I left the comforts of America. The least you could do for me is keep my electric going." My knee jerk reaction to suffering, difficulty, trials was not humility but pride. I was demanding. I was angry and resentful. I acted as if God owed me because I thought He did. So wrong and so so ugly.

This week I encountered an unexpected difficulty and I was disappointed to find that my knee jerk reaction once again is pride. At the very moment of my disappointment scripture, "count it all joy when you face trials and temptations of many kinds" immediately was my companion. I huffed and thought, "Count it all joy when You could have prevented this? You could've changed this! Why didn't you do it differently?" I am so ashamed of myself.

I am asking God for change. I am asking Him to give me a bent towards trust. I am asking Him to help me count it all joy. I want my knee jerk reaction to be humility. God have mercy on me.

God opposes the proud. He gives grace to the humble. Psalm 25:14, "The friendship of the LORD is for those who fear Him and He makes known to them His covenant."

Psalm 25:8, "Good and upright is the LORD; therefore He instructs sinners in the way . He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way. All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and His testimonies."

Have Mercy on Me

Today I am crying over I Timothy 5:1,2, "Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity. " And, II Timothy 2:22-25, "flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape form the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."

I have been hurt this morning in 2 separate situations by people who are well over 50 years old. I am screaming out, "Grow up! You are 50+ years old. Shouldn't you be leading the way in maturity? By now you ought to be teaching me how to love my husband and children and how not to be controlled by my passions?" I believe both parties should. But, they aren't.

And, today is a gift to me from my God. How will I respond?

The Bible is so practical. I want to tell people that the Older Women should be teaching the Younger like II Timothy says. And, I am longing for it. I wish for help.

But, there is much written to the younger women on their way to be the older women. God have mercy on me the sinner. I want to flee my youthful passions. I want to flee the desire in me to rise up and deal harshly with an older man and an older woman. Oh God this is the path to MY MATURITY. I want to embrace you. I want Jesus to ooze out of my life. God give me grace today. Holy Spirit, have your way in my life and help me to bless and not to curse. Help me to love and not to hate. Help me to get the beam out of my eye and not the speck in my brother's eye. Help me to be ready to be the sage that I am longing to find.

Grateful for the little things

Today, I am glad that I can feel the touch of my husband's hand when he grabs mine. I can feel the sensation of water on my skin in the bath or the pool. I can feed myself. I can take care of my home.

I finished reading the autobiography of Joni Eareckson Tada. She has a beautiful story of God's grace. And, I want to be a recipient of God's grace in all that I do for His glory.

And Max was lonely and wanted to be where someone loved Him best of all...

All day today I have been remembering lines from Sam's current favorite book, Where the Wild Things Are. The night Max wore his wolf suit he is sent to bed without any supper b/c he is making, "mischief of one kind and another". There is a picture of Max in his wolf suit chasing his dog with a fork. And, he says to his mother, "I'll eat you up!" He is sent to bed without any supper.
Today I have been thinking how much I am like Max. I am so much more like a toddler than God. God is ages and ages old. I am a blip. God is love. I am too often self centered. God is eternal. It is difficult for me to make good choices that have lasting implications for 10 years from now. I would rather enjoy today, chase all kinds of things around with a fork.
It helps me when I realize I am a baby in this world. 33 years next to God Almighty is very, very small.
At the end of Max's story, "Max is lonely and wants to be where someone loves him best of all."
In the mornings I try to pray a prayer from a Psalm, "let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love". I am lonely for that unfailing love of God. He loves me best of all. In my head I know it and sometimes it reaches my heart. I want more. I long to live in it. I long to love my God, my husband, my family, and my neighbors out of it. We love because He first loved us. Just felt like blogging that today.

When I Didn't Even Know to Ask For It.....

God knew what I would need, and want.

My Grandma Fisher moved in with our family around the time that I was in the 3rd grade. I have never met anyone quite like her and I am certain that I never will. She showed up at our door step with all of her possessions and said, "I'm moving in." (That's what my mom told me after I was an adult.) I had no idea until after college this is how it came about.

God knew what I would need and want when I didn't even know to ask for it. He knew that I wished for a woman's touch in the morning as I was getting ready for school. Someone who would love to cook my breakfast and hurry me along as I doddled the morning away.

My mom is a registered nurse and she is fantastic by the way. But, her shift started early in the morning. I had envied other kids having their mom's who actually cooked hot breakfast and sent them off to school. Dad just wasn't the same. So, God sent Grandma.

Anyway, she was a short, fiesty, hard working, no nonsense, hilarious Italian woman who became like another parent to me. I was so happy when she came to stay at our house. She spoiled me rotten my whole life. Buying me too much stuff. Making meals just the way I liked them. Putting up with entirely too much "back talk". Ironing my clothes to perfection when I was a teenager. I still can't iron very well at least not compared to her. Grandma would have given me the shirt off her back if I had needed it. Grandma loved me. And, I loved her.

She stayed with our family until my dad passed away eleven years ago (can that really be, eleven years?). And then, moved out just the way she had come, no discussion. She just packed and left.

At first I was angry and hurt. Over time I think I understood though. It was too much for her to be in the house where she and Dad had been day after day for a little over the previous decade. It was too much for a mother to lose her son. She used to tell me, "no mother should have to bury her child at any age."

Four years ago she was diagnosed with throat and lung cancer. (Yes, she had been a smoker). You can believe she deserved it if you like. I hope I don't get everything I deserve. And, I know the courage she had to muster together on the mornings she was to go to chemo and radiation and it still brings tears to my eyes. I hated to see the woman who had cared for me so faithfully go through the pain of cancer. I prayed for her every day during those days. And, I rejoiced when the treatments were over and the cancer withdrew.

This past March Grandma was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. She told me several times that once you have cancer you always have cancer. She knew it would return. In fact, I don't think she believed it ever really left.

Cancer the second time around doesn't offer as much hope as the first time. We all knew that. The doctor confirmed our fears. He said she would have between two and six months to live. And, he was right. She passed away at the end of June.

My mom and her husband, Ron, came out for a visit in April. We had the visit planned for many months before we knew Grandma was sick. I was able to make the trip back to Pennsylvania along with my two youngest kids not yet in school. I was away from Alex, Ada, and Joe for all of May and the first week of June. It was emotional. And, it was so meaningful. I am so grateful to God that I was able to have that time with her. We laughed and even cried (once). Grandma never liked to say the sappy stuff. So, I did. I told I loved her and I cried. And as I cried Grandma said, "YOU STOP THAT!!!!!" But, I couldn't. I had to tell her how much I was going to miss her.

And, I do miss her. I called her every day since we came home from Sudan. I knew I wouldn't have her forever. She took such good care of me. I think of calling her most mornings now. It is like old hat. It's sad and it's o.k. God gave me closure with her when I didn't even know to ask for it.