Goodbye Trying to Be Good, Hello my Superhero

Somewhere during my first 28 years of life I misunderstood the gospel of Jesus Christ. (I am 32 years old now and the last four years God has been doing something very new and very good in my life.) I think I was saved before I went to be a "missionary" in Sudan but to be completely honest sometimes I am not sure b/c my way of thinking has changed so much. I used to believe that I could not save myself so I needed Jesus to die on the cross for me (and I asked Him to do that) but after that it was my job to be "good". Having this as the central belief of my life was frustrating to say the least and it was a life of pride because I was depending on myself to get better. I don't believe in self improvement anymore. There is only one way, humble dependence on Jesus. I need Him to save me everyday and I am going to hang on to Him until I meet Him face to face, just like Lois Lane hangs on to superman!

About 5 years ago my husband and I moved to Khartoum, Sudan with our two oldest children. We got on the airplane full of hope and great expectations of the ministry we would accomplish for Jesus in that muslim country. It only took 2 weeks for discouragement to begin to settle in.

The heat in Sudan is oppressive. We arrived in March just before the peak of summer was about to begin. In March it was about 110 degrees. The temperatures from April to June were more to the tune of 125-138 degrees. Yes, it is a dry heat but even a dry heat is still draining. You have to be careful to drink lots and get enough sodium due to the amount of sweat you lose during a day. Perhaps the heat would not have been so bad if there was central air conditioning there in most homes and businesses but there wasn't. And, I guess even if there had been central air conditioning there would not have been electricity to keep it running during the most needed times of the day. Every day the power would go out for approximately 6-8 hours. Somedays it was more and some days it was less.

The first home we rented did not have a generator to help us during power cuts. We were a little green and didn't realize how nice that luxury would have been. We also had 3 air coolers in our house (which are basically like swamp coolers home's in the southern U.S. sometimes have). 2 of our 3 air coolers didn't work. Being American we immediately set out to get that fixed. Alex went to the open air market where day laborers could be hired. What we didn't realize is people there would tell you they could fix your problem and would come and work on what you needed without actually knowing anything about what they were doing. So, the first week we lived there we had 3 different men work on the cooler and nothing got fixed. This was hard on our American egos. We expected, no demanded, good customer service. Every aspect of life was like this ongoing frustration. Our coolers broke, our plumbing broke, our car broke, our stove broke. The solution there was to try and patch it up somehow and if it didn't work, oh well. That's just how it was.

It took our friends about 4 months to get a working phone line. Everyday they were told, "Tomorrow you will get it, if God wills".

When we got off the plane in Sudan I was overwhelmed by the poverty there. It felt like I was living in "Bible" times. There were deformed beggars all over the streets. There were small children who would come and try to wipe the dust off of the cars we were in in hopes of receiving a few coins for their work. I thought my heart would break that first week at the sight of so many desperate people. It only took a few times of being lied to and used for money for my attitude toward these needy people to change. I am ashamed to say that a beggar would see me and start calling out "money, money" and I would try and run the other way or get into my car and leave as quickly as possible.

I used to hire street girls to do so light cleaning for me. I thought it was a good solution to some of the problem I was facing. If you need money, you need to work for it. I had tried giving them free food (like a banana) or something and they turned their noses up at me. So, I decided to try this. One day I had a little girl do some cleaning in my bedroom. As she was leaving my gold necklace fell out of her skirt. I began to depise the poor. They didn't understand that Alex and I were not as "rich" as they thought. We could literally give our whole paycheck to beggars and it wouldn't be enough. It would only be a drop in the bucket. The little girls were relentless in their efforts to get money though. They would ring the door bell over and over and over and over. Once I was on the toilet when they came and they would not leave. I yelled at them that day, some missionary I was.

I didn't only yell at street girls. When the electricity went out I took it as a personal assault from the Lord. Iwas very angry with Him. I thought if He was in control of everything, "why is He doing this to me?" Didn't I give up enough without having to endure countless powercuts? Didn't he see the painful rashes I was developing. When I would sweat I would cry b/c the salt in the sweat would burn these open sores.

There were many dark days and my emotions were all over the map. Alex and the kids would often receive the brundt of my anger. I struggled with my temper back in high school but always attributed it to my dad being difficult to live with. I realized during my time in Sudan my temper was not my dad's fault.

One night during a power cut I was looking at the window at the little shop across our street. Some muslim men heard the prayer call (why did the mosques seems to always have their power?) and positioned themselves to pray. I was so angry. I wanted to pack my bags and go home. There was no hope for these men. They didn't want me here. They didn't want my husband teaching the Bible. They certainly didn't want Jesus. But the Lord said to me, "I want them".

The cooking had to be done from scratch. My kitchen was pretty much 114 degrees year round.

Haboobs (dust storms) would come and ravage our house. The windows were not well sealed so there would be about 1/4 inch of dust on everything.

Anytime the kids got a fever we had to go to the hospital and get a malaria test. Malaria is very common there. This weighed on my mind.

Under this pressure I lost it many times. I was ashamed to bear the name christian, missionary, mother, and wife. Somedays I wished I could be banished to live a life of isolation in Siberia. I couldn't do any better. I was trying my hardest.

One Friday (the muslim holy day is Friday) I was at church praying before the service began. I was pleading for God to make me more loving. I had my Bible open to Galatians 5. I was reading the familiar passage about the fruit of the Spirit. How I wanted that FRUIT!!!! Please God give me love. Yes! Please Lord give me joy. Please God give me peace.

The Lord spoke. He said, "the FRUIT of the SPIRIT is...." The light went on the HOLY SPIRIT is love, joy, peace....... I had been asking for the wrong thing. I wanted the fruit but not the dependence on the Holy Spirist that would result in the fruit. I could not be more loving. I am born a sinner. I could not drum up joy in Sudan. My sin nature is not capable of any of these virtues. Because all the sin nature that we are all born with is capable of producing is envy, lust, complaining, gossip, etc. I could see so clearly all I could do is lose my temper, despise the poor, resent the living conditions there, the list goes on and on. God wanted me to give up my pride and declare humble dependence.

It was the begining of freedom to have this revealed to me. I needed Jesus to be my Savior everyday and fill me with His Spirit every day. Try as I might I can't drum up the joy, love, peace, etc. needed for myself to make it through this life. I can't be good. And, I have nothing to offer others of myself. Jesus alone is mighty to save.

Galatians has exploded with meaning for me. Galatians 3:1 says, "Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit are you now trying to complete yourself in the flesh?"

"I am crucified with Christ nevertheless, I live. Yet, not I, but Christ lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me".

This makes me want to shout. I need Jesus so much. I love him so much. I can't be a good girl. I can't mother my kids, be a wife, be a missionary, be a pastor's wife without HIM!!!!!

It is so freeing. I am still tempted to try my hardest. To be a good girl and think I can do it. But, the truth is settling in now. I am finally getting it.

When we came home from Sudan I came home a broken girl. I cried everytime we were in church for weeks. I couldn't stop. I didn't really like to talk about my time there b/c I felt like such a loser missionary and it felt like everything I had to say was negative. It was a very difficult time and a difficult place to live. It also was a real life changing experience. I think it has brought me to one of the most important precious realizations in my life. God has been healing me the past 4 years since we came home. Yes, I do think we will go back somewhere, someday, permanently in God's timing.

There were some great positive things we were a part of. A muslim friend of ours did come to Christ and Alex was very involved in discipling him but I will save that for another blog, another day.

I posted a link here on blog spot to the Redeemer Store's free sermons by Tim Keller. My very favorite is called "Inside Out Living". Please listen for me! It may change your life, really.

http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=category.display&category_ID=11&CFID=1362084&CFTOKEN=37759933

One way morning sickness gets you ready for mothering

Published on myspace Monday, November 5, 2007

*This is a little earthy (a nice way of saying gross). Read at your own risk.
Until I went to college I never "threw up" alone. I can remember one time in high school getting my mom out of bed while suffering from a round of food poisoning. I threw up on the bathroom floor 4x (at least it wasn't carpeted). I used to wonder how my mom could stand to be a nurse by profession and take care of sick kids at home. I never thought I would be able to make it.
Then, I got pregnant with Adalynne. She is an absolute delight. My pregnancy with her was not. I was sick all day long. It died down a bit after the first trimester but unfortuneately the nausea never completely left. For nine months I made food choices based on what would taste half way decent on it's trip back up the chute.
Anyway, I threw up countless times during her pregnancy and now I know why. Tonight Sam got sick and starting throwing up while on my lap. I was covered in vomit and instinctually I put out my hand to catch as much of the spew as I could in hopes of savivng the carpet below me. I am not the girl I used to be.
So, to all you expectant mamas or future expectant mamas hang in there. There may be a reason for all that nausea and vomit.

A public confession and an observation

Published on myspace on Thursday, Nov. 1, 2007

Alex Brodine deserves a silver medal for living with me and the gold for loving me. Let me tell you: I can be a roller coaster ride.
So, here is the confession part. Last night I flipped out on my dear husband over my expectation of our schedule which was not met. Flipped out meaning: lost my temper, chewed him out, gave him the cold shoulder, sent many YOU messages rather than I messages in communicating the disappointment. I am not exaggerating here people. I begged God to give me grace to talk through it, which he did quite a while later.
Anyway, I apologized. He forgave me. And, just for the record this is not the first time I have done this. And, unless God does something radical I am sure it will not be the last (I am not excusing myself). This brings me to my observation and I welcome your comments. This is not a joke and it is not meant to poke fun at anyone. I am just wondering if anyone else has had this experience or has known people who have.
My dad was bi-polar. He was EXTREMELY compulsive about time. He set our clocks to the official national time. I can't even remember how he got it, some chime thing. Anyway, one of the many slogans in our house was (especially when we were running behind), "you wait on other people, they don't wait on you". When we visited G'ma and G'pa's house on the way there we would discuss what time we were leaving. Let's say mom said 6 p.m. My dad would be in the car blowing the horn at 6:01. No joke. As part of our family devotions we had a planning session every night talking about the upcoming week which starting in about August included the bonus question, "do you have any ideas for us about what you might like for Christmas?"
O.K., now as I am going through life I am meeting other adult children of people who have had a mental illness or who are mentally ill themselves and I am noticing that many of us take time very seriously. There are extremes to that statement (I do not put myself into that extreme of a category, I am worrying about what you will all think of me). And, time is a real stresser at times. Why is that? Is is conditioning? It is a control problem? Or is it just quirky personality traits? I think this really is something to be explored at least for my own family's sake? It seemed like people in Sudan didn't struggle with this problem as much as we driven Americans.
I think I have a built in clock in my head. I always have a great sense of time and it kills me to run late. I know God put me with Alex on purpose. His family orientation in regard to time is extremely relaxed. I need Alex and I think he could use me too. God have mercy on us as we become more Christlike.

Currently reading : Scarlet (The King Raven Trilogy, Book 2) By Stephen R. Lawhead Release date: 18 September, 2007

A small milestone worth celebrating

Published on myspace on Thurs., Nov. 1, 2007

Alex and I have been celebrating a small milestone today. We have paid off his college debt!
We are working on the goal of being completely debt free. We have created a debt snowball. A debt snowball is when you pay off your smallest debt and use the momentum to pay off the larger one/ones. Once you pay off a debt you use the money that you had been sending to the previous debt to increase the payment you can make on the next debt to be eliminated. If you would like more info. on this idea see Dave Ramsey's book, Total Money Makeover.
Currently reading : The Total Money Makeover: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness By Dave Ramsey Release date: 06 February, 2007

Happy Day After Halloween

Published on myspace on Thurs., Nov. 1, 2007

Happy Day After Halloween!!! How has your day has been? Mine is proving to be a challenge relationally. I don't know if it is due to lack of sleep (we all got to bed way past our bedtimes last night), or if it is driven by the severe fluctuations in our blood sugar levels rising and falling with each piece of candy consumed, or all the demonic activity associated with Halloween.
Anyway, we couldn't find our digital camera last night! What a bummer. I have been comparing myself all day to all the wonderful moms who knew where their cameras were last night. (Why do we put ourselves on that hamster wheel anyway?)
But, I do have a cute story to share. So, instead of a picture you get a thousand words...or more....I'm not going to take the time and count.
Elie, our comic relief, really wanted to be a horse for Halloween. But, our eldest daughter told her that would not be possible b/c to make a horse costume you need 2 people (at least, according to our costume book from the library). So, Eleanor resigned herself to be "The Girl Who Feeds the Horse" as pictured in the book next to the horse. So, Elie dressed up in bib overalls, wore a hat with fake long blonde braided hair, and carried a basket of carrots around for the "imaginary horse". At least the costume was easy although many people didn't understand who whe was.
Did you know giraffes love carrots? Sam was dressed up as a giraffe and we had a hard time stopping him from eating all of Eleanor's props. I think every carrot was missing a bite or at least very slobbery by the end of the night.
Joseph was proud to be Spider Man. We bit the bullet and bought one of those Walmart costumes complete with inflatable muscles. He is going to be spider man every day this year now.
Adalynne true to form chose to be a Hula Girl. She was adorable thanks to Oriental Trading Co.
What a wierd blog this is! Anyway, thanks for reading I love sharing.
Currently reading : Sacred Marriage By Gary L. Thomas Release date: 01 February, 2000

Not the blog I had been planning

Published on myspace on Sat., Oct. 6, 2007

About 3 weeks ago I found out that I was expecting our 5th baby. Alex wrote a really cute poem we were going to use to announce our happy news. I had planned to use it in my blog entitled 1,2,3,4,5. And, I had planned to add a pregnancy ticker to my page as soon as we told our family. I was very early, only 6 weeks into the pregnancy and feeling great. But, last Friday I started the miscarriage process. I have felt a little fragile this whole week. And, it has been difficult going through this situation with very few people knowing this was happening. I debated about whether to blog about this but I think it will help me to mend. And, I believe it is good to not only share the ups of your life with others. Because we all have our downs. There can be a false sense that everyone is ok and everything is fine all the time for everyone but me. This deception leads to isolation. We all need each other. I love sharing and I think not sharing has been part of the empty feeling looming over my head. I really am doing ok but this has been a disappointment and a loss although it was still a brand new dream. God really has been my rock. I am able to hold on to the fact that He is in control of this whole thing. He was not surprised and He is with me.
My dad passed away 10 years ago. I have always wanted to introduce him to my kids. He loved holding baby fingers. You know how babies will use their whole tiny hand to squeeze a finger if you hold it out to them. So maybe, he is holding our little one. Who knows?
Before this happened perhaps I was not as sympathetic to others who had miscarried. I had no idea what it was like. And, maybe God wanted me to be more tender to the feelings of others. I hope He will use this for His glory. My heart goes out to others who have miscarried, had a still born child, lost an older child, had an abortion, or have never been able to conceive. I know this early miscarriage is a momentary light affliction and it really is light compared to losses others have suffered.
To close I wanted to share the poem Alex wrote just b/c I loved it and wanted you to read it:
Number 1 was so much fun
We thought we'd have another.
Number 2 came right on cue
And Ada had a brother.
Number 3 came fancy free
But Joseph started praying
Number 4 'bout set the score
With Sam and Elie playing.
Number 5 will soon arrive
With spring, in May we're guessing.
Wanted you to know the news.
We're thankful for His blessing.

Monk and Neagle

Published on myspace on Tues., Oct. 2, 2007

Sunday night Alex and I went to a concert with our youth featuring Mercy Me, Shane and Shane, and the opener, Monk and Neagle. We were most excited to hear Shane and Shane. I think they may have been having a tough night or something...enough said about that. But, we were pleasantly suprised by Monk and Neagle and they are worth taking a listen.
They have many great songs and a few of them are on myspace. Although, the most touching song is called "What a Soldier Does" and it is about a father telling his son about leaving for war. It is a tribute to families with soldeirs in Iraq. I sobbed through the entire thing.
Anyway, I just felt like sharing this.
Currently listening : The Twenty-First Time By Monk & Neagle Release date: 18 September, 2007

I am becoming...

Published on myspace on Thurs., Sept. 20, 2007

I attended college in the wonderful city of Minneapolis. On the first day of class one of my professor's asked us to write this statement down, "what I shall be, I am now becoming." Today I have been reflecting on this as I have gone about the mundane chores of life. It seems like somehow I end up very concerned about the laundry and the dishes, everyday. I say that spending time with God and my family are higher priorities. But do I live that way? It seems like it is easy once I start doing the breakfast dishes get sucked into the next thing I "should" do and the next and the next. Meanwhile, God's written word sits on the counter and He isn't even on the radar screen of my thoughts. It is a fight to remember that kids grow up quickly or death can come unexpectedly to a loved one and it is far more valuable to stop and love people around me than to make it to the end of my "to do" list today. Now, I am not saying we should live like pigs or skip the "to do" list. But, are my highest priorities on my list and are your's on your's? I say that I want to write songs for the Lord but I can't even remember the last time I sat down to make music for Him. How has God made you and what are you doing with your days? Enjoy Him, enjoy the friends and family he has given you, and enjoy being who he created you to be, TODAY!

Half in School

Published on myspace on Thurs., Aug. 20, 2007

Alex and I have both been sick with walking pnuemonia for the past 2 weeks. I am just now feeling well enough to share a little from our world.
Half of my kids go to school now. Joseph started kindergarten on August 21, 2007. He is growing up FAST! And our house feels much quieter during the day.
If he were home right now sitting beside me (and he knew I was blogging about him) at this point he would probably lean in really close and ask me or command me to tell you all that, "He is a really great soccer player. He is a fast runner! He scored lots of goals last spring and his team was undefeated." So, I will let you all know that up front. And, those things are true. You are my favorite soccer player, Joe! I am so proud of YOU!
Joseph has been a real answer to prayer. Alex and I both really hoped the Lord would give us a son sometime in our lifetime. I am praying that God will help me to enjoy him today it seems like he will be moving to college before I know it. I am also asking God to help me to mother in such a way that Joe can become all God created him to be. Maybe I can add to this blog later. Elie and Sam are needing some attention.

She Can Laugh at the Days to Come

Published on myspace on Wed., July 11, 2007

Well, there are only about 20 minutes left of my 32nd birthday. It has been a great day! First, I should say I went to bed with the kitchen really messy and woke up with it sparkling clean. No, the fairies that I always wish for didn't come. Alex knew that act of service would give my day a happy start! Thank you, babe! The kidddos started waking up one by one. We decided to have birthday donuts w/ coffee, of course. And afterward, the 2 big kids walked down our street to a cute little shoppe that sells balloons and picked out the perfect one. It says, "Much love on your birthday!" For our kids no b-day would be a real birthday without balloons. Which brings me to the real thing I wanted to say in this blog.
Somewhere in my early 20s I started worrying about getting old or aging. If you know me I tend to think too much about everything so this probably didn't come as a shocker. But, anyway, 3 years ago it was the night before my "dreaded" 29th birthday and we were in our local grocery store doing normal shopping. The kids saw balloons and said, "Mom, it's your birthday! We've gotta have balloons for your birthday." My first reaction was, "why waste the money?" My next reaction was, "how embarrassing." Then, I came to my senses. I remembered when I was a little girl that I used to count down to my next birthday. It was so exciting to have a special day. And, I couldn't think why that had changed. Why, didn't I like accomplishing another year. If I weren't having another birthday that would mean I were dead. Where did the excitement of another year of life go? I decided the kids were right. We bought those balloons. And, as we walked through the store the kiddos started announcing to everyone we saw, "we bought balloons b/c it's mom's b-day!" The balloons were in my hand as a declaration but I still had to fight down the twinges of wondering, "what do people think of this grown woman with balloons?"
Proverbs 31:25 is talking about a noble woman. It says, "she is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." God has good plans for me, and you! When you have your birthday rejoice that God has allowed you to live another year. And, remember that he is not finished with you. A verse in Psalms says, "David accomplished his task in his generation and then he died." So, as long as we are living God has plans for us and he wants us to be hopeful in Him!
It is not as if I am perfect in this area yet. However, this is a life long goal and I must admit I have enjoyed my 30s so far more than my 20s, weird huh? We are not meant to be young and immature forever. God has plans for us and we all need sages in our lives. If you see me slip into worry and doubt over my future please help bring me back to these thoughts. I want to laugh at the days to come b/c of the hope I have in Jesus. And, I hope we will celebrate the wise folks in our society, the ones who have been around the block several times. We need them. Our culture does not give them the honor they are due! May the Lord lead us on.

Bring Us A Lemur

Published on myspace on Wed., June 27, 2007

Alex called us from Antannarevo, Madagascar last Saturday morning (June 16th) to let us know that he had arrived safely. He was in Madagascar for 10 days on a short term missions trip. When the kids had their turn on the phone with "Dad" they asked him to bring home a lemur. Actually true to inborn sin nature they could not agree on one type of lemur that he should bring home. Adalynne wanted a mouse lemur. She thought such a teeny tiny pet would be adorable. And, Joseph wanted a brown lemur. Unfortunately, Alex felt that our cat, Dora the Explorer, was enough family pet for this family.
Anyway, I did not advertise that Alex was going to be gone (other than changning my music) b/c of internet kooks. I know I am feeling older too!
He had a great trip. In the mornings he did some teaching for a pastors training seminar. 9 years ago there were only 30 Assembly of God churches and today there are around 400. The pastors are hard working guys and all of them are church planters. The average Malagassi makes between $20-$30 for the whole month. Pastors fall into this average and they can only to afford to eat about 1 meal/day. It was very humbling to receive gifts from them. We will cherish them. And, we will remember how blessed we are as we sit down to our 3 meals/day +snacks! Lord, help us be content with what we have.
In the evenings the team did evangelistic services. The people would drive around town with speakers on top of a truck announcing that everyone should come to the town square. They had singers and dance teams. Then afterward Alex and other team members took turns sharing the Gospel. Once there was a great flood. And, the whole earth including the people were destroyed. Only those who were inside of the ark were saved. The Bible says that when Jesus returns it will be like the time of Noah. Right now the door to the ark is open. And, only those who have come into the ark of safety through trusting in Jesus will be saved. Come in before the door is shut! There were many first time responses during the services. May the Lord provide lasting fruit.
Alex is working through his jet lag now. It takes a little while to get out of your system. Madagascar is 8 hours ahead of us here in the central time zone. He is doing well though. He thinks the adjustment is easier than when we adjusted from Sudan b/c he has a will to sleep and adjust. And coming home from Sudan our kids didn't have that will.
The kids and I had a great time together. My mom and her husband, Ron, came out. The kids call them Nana and Pappy. They live in Pennsylvania and we don't get to see them lots so it was really special and helpful. We went fishing, swimming, read many books, had picnics, caught up on laundry and many household projects. They are go-getters! It was a lot of fun.
One event out of the ordinary took place prior to Mom's arrival. Elie fell at Pamida (our little local Walmart want to be). She split her head open. There was so much blood! Luckily I crashed a mini motorcylce many years ago and almost ripped my nose off. So, I knew that "HEADS BLEED A LOT!" I chanted that over and over as I ran to get paper towels from the bathroom. We had to go to the ER and have her head glued. It was traumatic for her and me. I was pale and shakey. But, we made it through with the help of a really nice lady from our town that I had never met before. Why is it that this one event got so much time when most of the week was light and uneventful?
Anyway, I neglected myspace this past week and now you know why. Hats off to any single moms out there! God bless you. I would love to catch up with you all when you have a chance.
Alex did bring home some great video of a few lemurs you can view them under my videos when you have a minute. Love to you all!

Becoming a Blogger

This past winter I joined myspace and I love it! I have been blogging there for a while. However, the blogs get deleted after a few months. So, I decided that I would like to join blogger to keep record of all the blogs I write. It has been suprisingly therapeutic for me to write, not to mention a great way to connect with others.

I have been a little frustrated with setting up the template today. I have no idea what I am doing. I know I will figure it out and then I will enjoy the sense of accomplishment that goes along with this simple feat.

But, the dryer is buzzing and I have bread to bake so....ta ta for now.