Goodbye Trying to Be Good, Hello my Superhero

Somewhere during my first 28 years of life I misunderstood the gospel of Jesus Christ. (I am 32 years old now and the last four years God has been doing something very new and very good in my life.) I think I was saved before I went to be a "missionary" in Sudan but to be completely honest sometimes I am not sure b/c my way of thinking has changed so much. I used to believe that I could not save myself so I needed Jesus to die on the cross for me (and I asked Him to do that) but after that it was my job to be "good". Having this as the central belief of my life was frustrating to say the least and it was a life of pride because I was depending on myself to get better. I don't believe in self improvement anymore. There is only one way, humble dependence on Jesus. I need Him to save me everyday and I am going to hang on to Him until I meet Him face to face, just like Lois Lane hangs on to superman!

About 5 years ago my husband and I moved to Khartoum, Sudan with our two oldest children. We got on the airplane full of hope and great expectations of the ministry we would accomplish for Jesus in that muslim country. It only took 2 weeks for discouragement to begin to settle in.

The heat in Sudan is oppressive. We arrived in March just before the peak of summer was about to begin. In March it was about 110 degrees. The temperatures from April to June were more to the tune of 125-138 degrees. Yes, it is a dry heat but even a dry heat is still draining. You have to be careful to drink lots and get enough sodium due to the amount of sweat you lose during a day. Perhaps the heat would not have been so bad if there was central air conditioning there in most homes and businesses but there wasn't. And, I guess even if there had been central air conditioning there would not have been electricity to keep it running during the most needed times of the day. Every day the power would go out for approximately 6-8 hours. Somedays it was more and some days it was less.

The first home we rented did not have a generator to help us during power cuts. We were a little green and didn't realize how nice that luxury would have been. We also had 3 air coolers in our house (which are basically like swamp coolers home's in the southern U.S. sometimes have). 2 of our 3 air coolers didn't work. Being American we immediately set out to get that fixed. Alex went to the open air market where day laborers could be hired. What we didn't realize is people there would tell you they could fix your problem and would come and work on what you needed without actually knowing anything about what they were doing. So, the first week we lived there we had 3 different men work on the cooler and nothing got fixed. This was hard on our American egos. We expected, no demanded, good customer service. Every aspect of life was like this ongoing frustration. Our coolers broke, our plumbing broke, our car broke, our stove broke. The solution there was to try and patch it up somehow and if it didn't work, oh well. That's just how it was.

It took our friends about 4 months to get a working phone line. Everyday they were told, "Tomorrow you will get it, if God wills".

When we got off the plane in Sudan I was overwhelmed by the poverty there. It felt like I was living in "Bible" times. There were deformed beggars all over the streets. There were small children who would come and try to wipe the dust off of the cars we were in in hopes of receiving a few coins for their work. I thought my heart would break that first week at the sight of so many desperate people. It only took a few times of being lied to and used for money for my attitude toward these needy people to change. I am ashamed to say that a beggar would see me and start calling out "money, money" and I would try and run the other way or get into my car and leave as quickly as possible.

I used to hire street girls to do so light cleaning for me. I thought it was a good solution to some of the problem I was facing. If you need money, you need to work for it. I had tried giving them free food (like a banana) or something and they turned their noses up at me. So, I decided to try this. One day I had a little girl do some cleaning in my bedroom. As she was leaving my gold necklace fell out of her skirt. I began to depise the poor. They didn't understand that Alex and I were not as "rich" as they thought. We could literally give our whole paycheck to beggars and it wouldn't be enough. It would only be a drop in the bucket. The little girls were relentless in their efforts to get money though. They would ring the door bell over and over and over and over. Once I was on the toilet when they came and they would not leave. I yelled at them that day, some missionary I was.

I didn't only yell at street girls. When the electricity went out I took it as a personal assault from the Lord. Iwas very angry with Him. I thought if He was in control of everything, "why is He doing this to me?" Didn't I give up enough without having to endure countless powercuts? Didn't he see the painful rashes I was developing. When I would sweat I would cry b/c the salt in the sweat would burn these open sores.

There were many dark days and my emotions were all over the map. Alex and the kids would often receive the brundt of my anger. I struggled with my temper back in high school but always attributed it to my dad being difficult to live with. I realized during my time in Sudan my temper was not my dad's fault.

One night during a power cut I was looking at the window at the little shop across our street. Some muslim men heard the prayer call (why did the mosques seems to always have their power?) and positioned themselves to pray. I was so angry. I wanted to pack my bags and go home. There was no hope for these men. They didn't want me here. They didn't want my husband teaching the Bible. They certainly didn't want Jesus. But the Lord said to me, "I want them".

The cooking had to be done from scratch. My kitchen was pretty much 114 degrees year round.

Haboobs (dust storms) would come and ravage our house. The windows were not well sealed so there would be about 1/4 inch of dust on everything.

Anytime the kids got a fever we had to go to the hospital and get a malaria test. Malaria is very common there. This weighed on my mind.

Under this pressure I lost it many times. I was ashamed to bear the name christian, missionary, mother, and wife. Somedays I wished I could be banished to live a life of isolation in Siberia. I couldn't do any better. I was trying my hardest.

One Friday (the muslim holy day is Friday) I was at church praying before the service began. I was pleading for God to make me more loving. I had my Bible open to Galatians 5. I was reading the familiar passage about the fruit of the Spirit. How I wanted that FRUIT!!!! Please God give me love. Yes! Please Lord give me joy. Please God give me peace.

The Lord spoke. He said, "the FRUIT of the SPIRIT is...." The light went on the HOLY SPIRIT is love, joy, peace....... I had been asking for the wrong thing. I wanted the fruit but not the dependence on the Holy Spirist that would result in the fruit. I could not be more loving. I am born a sinner. I could not drum up joy in Sudan. My sin nature is not capable of any of these virtues. Because all the sin nature that we are all born with is capable of producing is envy, lust, complaining, gossip, etc. I could see so clearly all I could do is lose my temper, despise the poor, resent the living conditions there, the list goes on and on. God wanted me to give up my pride and declare humble dependence.

It was the begining of freedom to have this revealed to me. I needed Jesus to be my Savior everyday and fill me with His Spirit every day. Try as I might I can't drum up the joy, love, peace, etc. needed for myself to make it through this life. I can't be good. And, I have nothing to offer others of myself. Jesus alone is mighty to save.

Galatians has exploded with meaning for me. Galatians 3:1 says, "Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit are you now trying to complete yourself in the flesh?"

"I am crucified with Christ nevertheless, I live. Yet, not I, but Christ lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me".

This makes me want to shout. I need Jesus so much. I love him so much. I can't be a good girl. I can't mother my kids, be a wife, be a missionary, be a pastor's wife without HIM!!!!!

It is so freeing. I am still tempted to try my hardest. To be a good girl and think I can do it. But, the truth is settling in now. I am finally getting it.

When we came home from Sudan I came home a broken girl. I cried everytime we were in church for weeks. I couldn't stop. I didn't really like to talk about my time there b/c I felt like such a loser missionary and it felt like everything I had to say was negative. It was a very difficult time and a difficult place to live. It also was a real life changing experience. I think it has brought me to one of the most important precious realizations in my life. God has been healing me the past 4 years since we came home. Yes, I do think we will go back somewhere, someday, permanently in God's timing.

There were some great positive things we were a part of. A muslim friend of ours did come to Christ and Alex was very involved in discipling him but I will save that for another blog, another day.

I posted a link here on blog spot to the Redeemer Store's free sermons by Tim Keller. My very favorite is called "Inside Out Living". Please listen for me! It may change your life, really.

http://sermons.redeemer.com/store/index.cfm?fuseaction=category.display&category_ID=11&CFID=1362084&CFTOKEN=37759933