Not the blog I had been planning

Published on myspace on Sat., Oct. 6, 2007

About 3 weeks ago I found out that I was expecting our 5th baby. Alex wrote a really cute poem we were going to use to announce our happy news. I had planned to use it in my blog entitled 1,2,3,4,5. And, I had planned to add a pregnancy ticker to my page as soon as we told our family. I was very early, only 6 weeks into the pregnancy and feeling great. But, last Friday I started the miscarriage process. I have felt a little fragile this whole week. And, it has been difficult going through this situation with very few people knowing this was happening. I debated about whether to blog about this but I think it will help me to mend. And, I believe it is good to not only share the ups of your life with others. Because we all have our downs. There can be a false sense that everyone is ok and everything is fine all the time for everyone but me. This deception leads to isolation. We all need each other. I love sharing and I think not sharing has been part of the empty feeling looming over my head. I really am doing ok but this has been a disappointment and a loss although it was still a brand new dream. God really has been my rock. I am able to hold on to the fact that He is in control of this whole thing. He was not surprised and He is with me.
My dad passed away 10 years ago. I have always wanted to introduce him to my kids. He loved holding baby fingers. You know how babies will use their whole tiny hand to squeeze a finger if you hold it out to them. So maybe, he is holding our little one. Who knows?
Before this happened perhaps I was not as sympathetic to others who had miscarried. I had no idea what it was like. And, maybe God wanted me to be more tender to the feelings of others. I hope He will use this for His glory. My heart goes out to others who have miscarried, had a still born child, lost an older child, had an abortion, or have never been able to conceive. I know this early miscarriage is a momentary light affliction and it really is light compared to losses others have suffered.
To close I wanted to share the poem Alex wrote just b/c I loved it and wanted you to read it:
Number 1 was so much fun
We thought we'd have another.
Number 2 came right on cue
And Ada had a brother.
Number 3 came fancy free
But Joseph started praying
Number 4 'bout set the score
With Sam and Elie playing.
Number 5 will soon arrive
With spring, in May we're guessing.
Wanted you to know the news.
We're thankful for His blessing.